Poems

We would like to share with you a collection of poems written by Kath, one of our St Helens clients.  They are a very personal and moving expression of Kath’s feelings surrounding her son David’s addiction and the eventual loss of his life.

 

Beginning of the End

It’s Rock Choir time and I’m off to sing

Who knew what the doorbell chime would bring

A single P.C. stood at the door

“Is it my son David?” I quietly implore

“Yes, I’m here to tell you he’s passed away

Don’t know exactly how but it was earlier today”

He was found on a bed in a hotel room

My world fell in and I was engulfed in gloom.

Don’t get me wrong I admit I have said

That maybe he would be better off dead

The demons had claws that were tenaciously strong

And his fight against them had been shatteringly long

He had battled and every remedy he’d tried

But his strength for sobriety had been denied

I acknowledge I feared his demands

And I felt that a rescue was out of my hands.

Although it’s hard to accept… and admit

Relief was the emotion that primarily hit

No more pressure to finance the latest “thing”

No more fear of a text or a late-night ring

No fear of his car headlights that lit up the blind

That his visit would be of the disturbing kind

No fear of arguments about money he might owe

And the inevitable trip…yep off to the ATM I would go

The first three months have been frenzied and very full

With all the attention… no time to be dull

The funeral … a celebration of all you could be

Supported by friends and  family,  far too many to see

There were cards and flowers and lunches to share

With sympathy, empathy and loving care

My family and friends are still there and still willing

…but reality’s set in and it feels quite chilling.

The realisation tells me that this is not a play

The scenario of fact is here to stay

This is for life… this is forever

And relief from this pain is frankly……. never.

So, this is the end of hope … and positive thought

That one day the freedom from drugs could be sought

I’ll never get back my own special son

The dark, grasping unforgiving demons have won.

 

Bob Bob Bobbing Along

Here he is again the little fella with a breast of red

He represents a spirit it is often said

I know it’s you every time he appears

I could easily break down in tears!

Every time out in the country I go

I’ve seen a robin …. it’s you and I love it so!!

I feel you near me as it hops about

I know it’s you I have no doubt

Because I know you would never leave me

And I’m comforted by seeing you in the tree

He dips and dives he’s a cheeky chappie

Just like you!! …. I can feel you’re happy

Free from misery and the power drugs had

Back to my handsome and loving lad!!

I miss you so much I’ve lost my boy

… but that little robin fills me with joy.

 

Foiled Again

It’s great for wrapping butties

It’s great for saving ham

It’s great to cover tins

And helps roast a leg of lamb

It’s great for jackets spuds

And to line inside the grill

To hold a big tortilla

So you don’t need to spill

……..BUT

It feels me with fear, it fills me with dread

When I see it bright and shiny

Charred and blackened by your bed

The acrid smell of poison the tell-tale burnt out light

That you had chased the dragon sometime in the night

Tin foil can be handy it can be a friend

But equally a sign that things…..

……………..won’t be good in the end.

 

I Want You Back

I want you back…… enough is enough

This is really far too rough

I want you back…. I want you whole

This is too sad and far too droll

I want you back, this is not so funny

I want your face and smile so sunny

This is not ok, not how it should be

This is far too hard and bad for me

I want you back, I forgive you now

You have to be alright somehow

You see I just can’t stand the guilt and pain

Let me try and get it right again

I want you back, it’s just not fair

I gave you love and so much care

I wish it could have been enough

To make you want to give up the stuff

I want you back…… not let it win

To let your new improved life begin

Why oh why can’t it be so?

My love could not protect you though

I want you back…….. I’m sick of woe

The tears that steadily flow

 

Can we start again? I will try as much as I can

To save you from the evil man

I want you back please hear my cry

………..I did not want you to die

 

Magpies

Ominous black feather with a touch of blue

Nervous when I see just one of you

Ever worried you will bring sorrow that will turn out to be true

My anxieties are often right

And drugs will bring sadness by the end of the night

Good news never comes of anyone using

Problems and issues which are always confusing

I dread to see a magpie all alone

Each time I see one my heart sinks like a stone

Two magpies, on the other hand, fill me with glee

Wanting joy and good news this time for me

Only two of these birds am I happy to see

My heart soared when I saw two magpies sitting

Actually on my fence!! …..This is so fitting

Good news telling me all about you

Perfectly fine and good as new

In heaven or somewhere you sent me this sign

Exited from this life but I must believe you’re fine

So thanks for listening to my superstitions thoughtful son of mine!

 

My David

You blagged…you deceived…you lied

My nerves and patience you always tried

But I meant it when I said…. “I love you”

You would always tease me and make me laugh!!

How I rejoiced when we went down this path

My heart sang when I giggled “I LOVE YOU!”

You trampled my feelings and scrambled my head

I felt the release would be when we are dead

My heart cracked when I whispered…”I love you”

You made me sad, ……bad and feeling blue

…then happy and hopeful believing sobriety was true

And with happiness I said “I love you”

I tried…..YOU tried …WE tried over and over

But we would end in the mire ….not living in clover

My down-beaten heart meant it ……..”I love you”

I know you had my love and you felt it in your heart

The pain is intense with us having to part

Time will pass– me here……..you there

There’ll be times of joy…. but always deep despair

BUT

Unconditionally…. I will always love you

AND

I know

You loved me too

 

Same Old Same Old

In 1914 every mother was filled with dread

That one day her son would be declared dead

They hoped their boy would not be willing

To be tempted by the shiny shilling

But to him it was exciting to be with the crowd

To be tempted by foreign places he wasn’t allowed

Something new and daring to escape the humdrum

Without a backward glance to his dad and mum.

In 2014 every mother was filled with dread

That one day her son would be declared dead

They hoped their boy would not be willing

To be tempted by heroin…. a word so chilling

But to him it was exciting to be with the crowd

To go to chemical places that he wasn’t allowed

Something new and daring to escape the humdrum

…….Without a backward glance to his dad and mum

 

The Spiral

At Christmas …see them laughing…… he’s holding the crowd

They’re snorting and giggling and roaring out loud!

He’s funny, he’s witty and oh what a smile!

He lights up our lives and brings joy for a while

He’s NORMAL and warm, he’s a social dream

But I know things are not as they seem

At work he was praised for his practical skill

Listening to the bosses and doing their will

He forged good friendships and became a “good lad”

He was up for the overtime, as much as they had

He was NORMAL and warm an employer’s dream

…..But I know things are not what they seem

At home this NORMAL boy was not always found

I dreaded the slow and plaintive sound

“Muuuuuuum can I borrow a quid or two

I’ll pay you back when my wages are due”

“My bank card is lost and I’m in a mess

Can you see me right for a week ….maybe less?”

“The “ladz” will get me if I don’t pay now!!!!”

I have to help or feel a right cow

And so it slips into enabling…. and hope

That he would get straight ….. it helps me to cope

“Don’t give him the money” they impatiently say

But I’m his mum …. I can’t turn him away

And so we spiral down into a hopeless mess

If it’s somebody’s fault is anyone’s guess

Now he’s no-one’s cousin and no-one’s chum

And I’m riddled with guilt ……….cos I am his mum.